I am at the age and point in my life where I will discover a lot about myself. At least that is what I have been told. This post is not meant to obtain sympathy for myself, nor am I looking for approval. This is just me putting my thoughts down, to see if I can make better sense of them if they are out of my head, and to get any advice if there is any to have.
I have always joked about how I am crazy. This is where the epiphany is coming in. I AM crazy. Maybe crazy isn't the right word. I am a misfit toy. Years ago someone asked me why I didn't have normal friends. Earlier this year someone told me I had crazy friends. This afternoon, I finally figured out why. As normal and sane as I may possibly seem, I have never been comfortable with the normal crowd. The crowd that goes to the mall on a friday night, the crowd that goes to the lake to fish and play frisbee, the crowd that has things in common with each other. Me? I have always been happy with people that others give odd looks to. The people that are misfits themselves. I have many acquaintances, oh I have Lots of those, but friends? Close friends? A small handful. Not that I am complaining. I do not think I could handle having more than that anyways. The point still stands. I have always been good at adapting to my environment, but that seems to come with the territory of being a military child. But fitting in with people, that seems to have always been a challenge for me. I have made some good friends over the years and in the different places I have lived. All of them are so completely different from each other, but they have all lived difficult lives and have made something of themselves because of it. Maybe that is where I fit in? With the people that are Trying to make a future for themselves? I have put out roots so often, and have had to replant those roots just as frequently, that I don't know what to do with myself now. I know what needs to be done, what I have to do, to make my future as I want it. That is the easy part, as hard as it is. My question is, how do I figure out who I am if I do not know who I am? I know my likes and dislikes, but that isn't who I am, that is just a single facet of the stone that is Me. If presented with a decision, I know what is wrong and what is right. I know the decisions that have no wrong and right answer are supposed to help define me, but in my mind, I do not see it that way. I do not know how I see it, but when my not-wrong-not-right decisions does not follow a pattern, how do I figure out who I am from a jumbled mess, from inconsistent choices?
I think I just threw my epiphany out the window.
